How to Know a Person

The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen

by David Brooks

"How to Know a Person (2023)" invites us to shed our egos and look deeper than the superficial aspects of those around us. It encourages us to understand their stories, desires, and drives. The book underscores the challenge of truly seeing someone and making them feel acknowledged—an essential aspect of nurturing healthy relationships. With commitment, we can master the art of meaningful conversation, provide our full attention, and appreciate the rich complexity of others.

About the Author

David Brooks is a well-known commentator and writer contributing to the New York Times, the Atlantic, and various other platforms. He also appears on PBS NewsHour and NBC’s Meet the Press. His popular works on sociology, politics, and culture include titles like "Bobos in Paradise" and "The Social Animal."

Cultivating Genuine Connections in Your Life

Nowadays, "relationships," "community," and "social connection" are buzzwords. We recognize that loneliness can be lethal and emphasize the importance of forging friendships and fostering community ties.

But do we truly understand the weight of these terms? Do we know how to pose the right questions that can deepen friendships? Are we capable of setting aside our own views to truly listen and understand someone else's? And can we remain present with someone in pain, even if it's outside our comfort zone?

These capabilities are crucial in everyday interactions, yet they aren't part of any formal education. Consequently, loneliness has become widespread, leaving many of us yearning for the profound connections we desire.

Thankfully, the ability to genuinely see others and make them feel recognized is a skill you can develop. You can learn to treat others thoughtfully, understand your peers, and enhance how you care for those close to you. This chapter will guide you through these processes.

The Power of Recognition and Empathy

The Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw poignantly remarked, “The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that’s the essence of inhumanity.” Simply put, the most severe disservice you can do to someone is to act as if they are invisible or inconsequential.

Conversely, truly seeing and understanding someone can be profoundly transformative. It's incredibly impactful when someone recognizes and appreciates a talent in you that you hadn't even acknowledged, or when they intuitively know exactly what you need and offer it with genuine warmth and affection.

Beyond personal fulfillment, there are compelling reasons to hone the skill of recognizing others. Many crucial life choices hinge on this ability. For instance, looking beyond superficial attributes to gauge compatibility with a potential spouse, or assessing whether a prospective hire or roommate can handle stress and show generosity.

Furthermore, as societies worldwide strive to build more inclusive democracies, the need for cross-cultural empathy becomes critical. However, there is a noticeable deficit in this area. Black individuals often feel misunderstood by their white counterparts regarding systemic inequalities. Similarly, rural populations feel marginalized by urban centers. These examples highlight a broader issue.

Mending our social fabric doesn't require solving every problem simultaneously. Rather, it begins with individual efforts to improve our understanding of one another. Through enhancing our personal interactions, we can gradually repair and reinforce our collective societal bonds.